


Why's Your Porn Written Like a Screenplay?

by stickysugar



Category: Agents of Cracked
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 09:15:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4619880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stickysugar/pseuds/stickysugar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael & Daniel discover the Cracked kink meme and Michael takes a shot at filling a prompt. Strong language and some mild one-sided Michael/Daniel, (but it's pretty gen). Written for the lulz. Complete.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the conception.

“Dan! Dan, look!”

The last time Daniel obeyed that command, he had learned what the inside of a tiger’s small intestine looked like.

“… What is it?” Dan asked with no small amount of hesitation, refusing to look away from his computer screen, lest he discover more about the guts of various jungle mammals.

“We’re porn!” Michael proclaimed, thrusting a laptop into the space where Dan’s head had been, a mere second before he had ducked.

“Michael, what are you talking about?” Dan pushed the laptop away and straightened out in his chair, trying to collect his bearings.

“Look at this site! There’s all these stories about us! Porn stories! Where we fuck!” Michael explained, shaking the laptop vigorously.  

Dan winced, wishing that Michael would lower his voice just a little. Dan pried the laptop from his partner’s grip and looked over the website, which, emblazoned at the top, read, _‘Cracked Meme: KINK MEME.’_ There were various prompts listed anonymously: “ _Swaim/DOB rough sex,” “mpreg,” “drunk sex,”_ … The listings went on for a couple of pages, and only a select few had received responses actually following the prompts.  "Michael, there’s barely any stories here at all.“

"What?” Michael snatched the laptop back. “Let me see that,” he muttered as he took a seat, tugging his sunglasses down over his eyes. He was mercifully quiet for a full, glorious minute before he started whining. “What the hell? Where’s all the hot porn?”

“Do you really expect people to write stories about the sexual escapades of two internet comedy writers?”

Michael scowled. “Well maybe not about you, but they should definitely be writing about me! People tell legends about this, Daniel!” Michael lifted the laptop with one hand and pointed to his crotch with the other.

“I bet they do.”

“You probably haven’t heard 'em over on the East coast, but trust me,” Michael continued, a smile appearing on his face. “Anyway.” He began typing and Dan assumed that he had found a more interesting website, perhaps with actual porn. Whatever it was, it seemed to have Michael's full attention, so Dan felt comfortable returning to his own column on ties guaranteed to help distract from a herpes outbreak. He had made it through only a paragraph or so when his computer beeped, signaling a new e-mail.

'OUR PORN,’ the e-mail subject read, 'From bonersultan989.’

“You like my e-mail address?” Michael asked from his new perch behind Dan. “It means, like, 'boner magician.’”

“I don’t think–”

“A magician for boners, Dan!” Michael paused. “So did you read it?”

“How could I have possibly had time to–”

“Dan, this isn’t the East Coast, okay? This is fast paced, hard times–”

“Please be quiet,” Dan cut in, opening his partner’s e-mail.

' _Prompt: Michael/Daniel: Office sex,_ ’ It began,

_’ **SCENE** : CRACKED OFFICES. 1:00 PM. DANIEL is WRITING something stupid on his STUPID HORSE BLOG.’_

“Why is this written like a screenplay?” Dan asked, wondering whether or not he really wanted to continue reading.

“Keep going,” Michael prodded.

_'DANIEL_

_(insert)_

_MICHAEL_

_Did someone say cum bucket?!_

  _DANIEL_

_(insert)_

_MICHAEL ENTERS, carrying A LARGE BUCKET. A HUGE BUCKET. A  BUCKET SO LARGE THAT–’_

Dan frowned. “Where’s all my dialogue?”

“I need your help with it,” Michael explained. “That’s why I e-mailed you. I know the kinda stuff that I would say, and I basically know what you would say, but I want it to be authentic. Only the best for our fans, I always say.”

“I have zero desire to help you write porn about us, Michael.”

"Dan," Michael pleaded, "We should do it now before someone else messes it all up and makes you the pitcher and me the catcher.”

Dan was quiet a moment as he tried to staunch the flow of unwanted mental images. “Alright, look, if I help you, do you promise to work on your new column?”

Michael thought about it. “No.”

“Michael–”

“Fine, okay!” Michael plopped back down in his chair. “Now let's do this!" He tapped a few buttons on his keyboard as he spoke. “What do you think you should say after seeing the cum bucket?”

“What even is a 'cum bucket’?” Dan asked.

“Perfect!” Michael replied, typing away.

“I wasn’t…” Dan shook his head. This was going to be a long couple of hours…


	2. the masterpiece.

 

**_MICHAEL FUCKS DANIEL: THE SEQUEL_ **

**_An epic poem by Michael Swaim_ **

**_Minimal, (almost zero), help from Daniel O’Brien_ **

****

**_SCENE_ ** _: CRACKED OFFICES. 1:00 PM. DANIEL is WRITING something stupid on his STUPID HORSE BLOG._

_DANIEL_

_My blog is not stupid. Can we just establish that--_

_MICHAEL_

_Did someone say cum bucket?!_

_DANIEL_

_No one said--_

_MICHAEL ENTERS, carrying A LARGE BUCKET. A HUGE BUCKET. A  BUCKET SO ENORMOUS THAT HIS ARMS WOULD SNAP UNDER ITS WEIGHT IF HE WASN’T SO STRONG._

_MICHAEL_

_I got your bucket right here buddy!_

_Michael sets the bucket down on Daniel’s DESK._

_DANIEL_

_What even is a cum bucket?_

_MICHAEL_

_Well, all you had to do was ask._

_Michael STRIPS._

_Daniel_

_I don’t feel comfortable--_

_Daniel STRIPS as well and Michael FUCKS Daniel on his desk for 400 MINUTES, culminating in an EXPLOSION. But not the lethal kind._

_DANIEL_

_What kind of explosion is non-lethal?_

_MANDY and STUART WALK BY and SURVEY the SPACESHIP._

_DANIEL_

_What spaceship? Aren’t we in the office?_

_MANDY_

_Wow Captain Michael, do me next!_

_STUART_

_No way, Captain Michael’s gonna do me!_

_MICHAEL_

_I’ll do you all!_

_FIN_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY  
> 1\. This is inspired by an actual prompt from the kink meme! I'm not on livejournal and the prompt was super old already so I'm just posting it here. It's my deepest wish that whoever made that prompt finds this story one day haha  
> 2\. I wanted to do a running gag with Michael pronouncing 'meme' a different way every time he said it but I didn't really think that sort of thing would translate well through writing  
> 3\. SCREENPLAYS ARE HARD, especially if you do minimal research. It's my understanding that modern screenplays don't capitalize nearly as much as old school ones, so I went with the old school convention bc it amused me and seemed more eccentric, (and thus befitting of Michael).  
> 4\. Thanks for reading my first AoC fic! Hopefully you enjoyed it a bit.


End file.
